I called out to her in the next room, “Hey Mary…” “Mary”. “What sweetheart.” she replied. I’m fixing to make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you want one? Oh yeah, she replied, that sounds good. And before you say anything, I said, I know you don’t want a lot on yours, just a little bit. You know how I like it, she said.

I opened up the jar of peanut butter and the jar of jelly. I took a fork and pulled out some jelly into the bowl and then some peanut butter into the bowl as I spoke to her out loud. As I stirred it together I got ambushed. It cuts the heart. That’s what happens sometimes when you reminisce about those you loved. It’s not always like that, but just every now and then it hits hard. It always will as they continue to ease further and further apart. I have a friend that lost her husband years ago and still has those moments of emotional ambush. I didn’t have to go down memory lane, and relive this moment, but you don’t suppress it, you embrace it. It’s part of a continued road in healing. Grief on one hand and the Shepherd on the other hand as you journey.

Early Grief

Discipline and lessons in my grief and how God used it to improve my faith, and closer relationship.

In this valley, God didn’t dry my tears. He didn’t wipe them from my face as they rolled down my cheek. And no, he didn’t wipe my nose when it filled from crying on my knees at bedside. God didn’t take my heart that was ripped in two pieces and put it back together. He didn’t stop the pain in my chest and body I was feeling. He didn’t clear my mind as I walked in a dense fog lost and wandering for days and weeks. God didn’t put me to sleep on all those nights when I needed rest from the grief. He didn’t send an angel to hold me close as I grabbed a pillow and held it tight. He didn’t silence me as I cried out loud in those late nights standing in prayer to him. He didn’t rekindle my interest of things I had laid down. He took away my laughter and sense of humor. He gave me chaos and confusion. He had planted me below like I had never known, and broken me as I had never felt. It has all been to mold me and shape me into a service in his kingdom. And it has only just begun as I venture into this new normal life.

The days and weeks prior I was working in the shop and down on my knees begging Him to turn all this around, He didn’t. When I prayed for her to be healed, He didn’t. When I bargained with him, He said no. When I slung pieces of wood into the wall of my shop it didn’t matter. When a group of teens and adults came to the house and prayed for her, she was still sick. When she was surrounded by several at church and prayed over her, she didn’t get better. No matter how many chemo pills she took, how many chemo IV treatments she received, the bottom line was that she still had cancer…..and she died, and nothing any of us did made a difference in her life by trying to keep her alive.

Now What

I remember growing up and working with my Dad in the summers as a kid. I remember this one time my job was to clean around the work site picking up scrap pieces of wood, brick, electric wire, etc. One time as I was cleaning I stepped on a piece of wood that had a nail in it. It hurt of course and it made me more aware of my steps and to pay close attention so it didn’t happen again! I remember Mary giving birth to our first born, and daughter, in Nashville, Tennessee. I recall going back while she was in labor and giving her some crushed ice and could tell she was having some real painful moments when she was having contractions while I held her hand. I have witnessed that same child, our daughter she gave birth to, in a lot of pain while in labor in a hospital in Cape Girardeau, Missouri giving birth to our granddaughter, who is now in college in Texas. The pain Mary went through produced fruit of our beautiful daughter, and she bore fruit through pain of our beautiful granddaughter. All the pain produced something beautiful.

The Point

A common thread that those of us who have lost a spouse have, is that we are so thankful they are not left here suffering the pain of loss, realizing how it would hurt them so very much. So many things have been brought to the forefront in this journey with so little room on the page. I’ve learned some important things in this past year. Yes, God allowed all the pain and sorrow I struggled with that I mentioned above and He also allowed my wife’s death. From and through this journey, there are some things that we have all heard before which stand true and a few things I find new. Tomorrow is not promised. God is in absolute control.

I understand the pain of the alcoholic and the drug addict as they cry in their silent battle fighting addiction. The same for someone who has lost a parent with a broken heart. I empathize now versus sympathize. I empathize for the caregivers taking care of ones who need them. I understand the pain of watching someone die. I have felt my children grieve. I understand the pain that a parent feels that can’t feed their children. We are all in this together and we need each other. Make friends and have someone special in your life. Don’t judge others when you don’t wear their shoes.

Give don’t take. Never put things off too long because you may never have the chance again. Don’t take anyone for granted. Be thankful for who is in your life, not what you have in life. Live like you were dying, because we are. Love God, and love people. Don’t lie. We are no better than anyone else. We came naked and we leave naked. We came poor, we leave poor, you take nothing with you. Pray more, learn more, read more, study more, love more. Love on those who are lonely and have no one. Doctors and staff have lost loved ones too. Be thankful for everything, even the small things in life. Smile, compliment. Never grow old. Read your bible. Spread the gospel. And Just be a good person…God is in complete control of everything around us. He orchestrates everything according to his will, and nothing you or I do can change what he sets in motion without prayer. We must be content and walk with him. Love others and be ready for eternity. Be a part of the family of God and do something.

I know that all the pain and grief I endured was hard as it is for anyone dealing with grief over a loss of a loved one. I also realize that God is in control and He was at my side this entire journey and never left me once, and he is still with me as I continue to stay faithful in my service to Him. I always looked up the entire time I was in grief and he brought me comfort. To Him be the glory.

(a)The pain that Jesus endured in his life and on the cross was for us, so he could reconcile us to God and we would have peace through his death and ressurection. Remember, (b)all things work together. You will find peace when you look for it. There’s always Hope in Christ.

(a)2 Corinthians 5:18, (b) Romans 8:28