I couldn’t believe what I woke up to this past morning. First thing on my mind was my bride. Not how I wanted to start my day, and not because it was her, but what came to my mind. Grief just shows up. I opened my eyes and I pictured the last time we made eye contact. I cried as soon as I woke up. I mean dang, first thing in the morning and I’m crying before I get out of bed. I mentioned those last moments with her in another post. I was on my knees at bed side and not hardly twelve inches from her beautiful face. Her eyes were so beautiful and blue as always, but that morning they were sad and blue eyes. She was in her last breaths, and with me, as we said our last good-bye, were my two grown daughters, granddaughter, and daughter Katie. We wept as we were telling her we loved her. Mary was looking me directly in the eyes and her facial expression was crying. She glanced toward the side of the bed where the others were and looked back at me. She had no tears because she was so dehydrated, and no voice because her voice had left her and she was just too weak. Then she closed her eyes again, took a couple of short breaths, and left us. I’m glad we got to see her eyes before she left, but it breaks my heart that she cried and was sad before she left. She didn’t want to leave us. Despite the heartbreak that I woke up to, and still experience, I am so thankful for that moment that God allowed us to share. We got to say goodbye, even in the last minutes. In time that will prove to be a good memory. Maybe it is a good memory now. I got to wake up that morning seeing her eyes!

A few minutes later that morning, as I was waking up to those memories of her, and after I crawled on out of bed, I took our dog outside. Gypsi is always full of energy. As soon as my eyes open every morning, she’s ready. I fed her, put my coffee on, get the harness ready, then here she comes. We go to the door and out the back porch door, and she bolts! When the line runs out from the leash, it’s almost like she hit an invisible wall and bounces back. She’s a funny little dog that we are so blessed with. She lightens the heaviness in this home. This morning as she bolted she pulled my hand into the door frame taking some skin. Not to bad, and not as bad as once before into the brick. That’s just the way she’s made. I come back inside and doctor up my wound that’s bleeding pretty good. Then grief reminded me how I couldn’t tell Mary about this. I use to walk in from the shop when I got a cut or gouge, and she would always want to take care of it. I’ll admit that she was good at taking care of wounds, afterall, we raised four kids..Sometimes I would have to let her know it’s ok, I just needs some Neosporin and a band-aid, and I’m good. She would still want to supervise though…

It’s been four months since Mary died. I’ve been coping, if that’s a right word. Praying a lot and learning to walk through grief, while living as “normal” as possible. While walking through those crazy moments, when there’s an attack, you have to grieve, you have to cry. There’s no way around it unless you choke it all back, and deny yourself a God given emotion. I’ve been so thankful for what God has given me, even in the midst of this trouble and heartache. I haven’t shown any outburst of anger as of yet. Although, as I’m dressing my wound, it just hits me while I’m using some of the medicine that we had left-over from Hospice in Mary’s tray, that I was angry. I didn’t like doing this anymore! I didn’t like this new normal and starting over! I wanted to take my arm and swipe everything off the bathroom sink counter, but I had self control. Early on in Mary’s diagnosis, I was working in the wood shop and showed my anger out there. I’m not sure, but that may have been heartbreak and not anger because I knew the prognosis, but I’ve never been angry at God in all this…

Katie and I are actively going through our daily routines trying to be “normal”. Eat, sleep, work, laundry, shop, live, laugh, and love. Then we do it over. I’m still not watching the big screen in the living room except with Katie when we watch Anime. We have thousands of more episodes to go. Detective Conan. We started at the beginning….

I’m still receiving work orders and working in the wood shop which keeps me occupied and my mind busy . Beginning to get seasonal orders now. I’m still able to do all that needs to be done to keep the household operating efficiently. I thank God for that. Now, we begin getting ready and preparing for the Holidays and making our plans for how we’ll do everything this season. We’re doing it different this year for sure. Katie and I had already discussed this earlier a few months back. We’re keeping it much simpler than we have in the past. This year anyway. Last year was Mary’s last Thanksgiving, and we all knew it. I’m glad we all got to spend it with her. She did so good, especially as she was beginning to gain her strength from her hospital stay after being dehydrated. Adding to our routines, in this new normal, is of course, the grief. Grief is tough. Losing someone you love that is close to you is really hard.

Taking care of a simple houseplant that she cared about is not too hard, but a good memory, but it can also bring heartache. Other plants, like all the roses, that are planted outside, she never got to see them bloom. That might make for a few sad spots this Spring and Summer, but hopefully by then, we’ll think only about happy memories. We will see. It would be too cool outside today for Mary. She would ‘a said “burr, it’s too cold out here for me, I’m going back inside where it’s warm.” The ground is really getting covered with leaves as that Pecan tree keeps dropping it’s leaves. It’s another sign that time is moving on. It’s kinda like I’m leaving her behind. It’s just emotional reminders that she’s not here to share this new season with. All I can do, is just remember the things she said in the past, and try to imagine her presence during the good days that we shared. Soon it will ease, and I’ll move forward even more than I have now. That’ll be bitter-sweet.

In all this, God is with me and by my side. His promises are true and He is faithful. He will never fail. So I will carry on in this race and not faint. My reward is not earthly and is not yet. Our purpose is not to nest a home here for sure. We are to make plans for another home, an eternal home. Just like Mary and so many others that you and I know that have died and passed on into eternity. I think we are taught in scripture that all this suffering we endure while we are just “passing through”, will seem like nothing compared to the glorious reward that we’ll receive in eternity, if we remain faithful to the Lord. So, in my sadness and suffering from losing my wife, God brings comfort and reminds me there is hope.

1 Thessalonians 4:13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.

John 11:25-26 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”