CrAzY things happen in grief. Especially early on. For me they do. Maybe for you too. It’s supposed to be normal when you don’t act normal-in early grief. Picture a scene from a movie or YouTube clip showing a tornado devastating a city as it travels through neighborhood after neighborhood. As it’s moving through making a path, you can see the dust and debris flying in the air. All kinds of objects being carried off.

That’s pretty much what I feel at times. Not so much now anymore, but early on it was really intense. My head was swarming with emotions of losing my wife, emotions of not knowing what I was supposed to be doing, our daily schedules, trying to get everything in order in my mind, mentally drained, tired, didn’t want to do anything, go any where,… but I did. It was insane.

If someone had asked me how I was doing, I had no idea how to answer that. What did that mean? I’m not sure I knew how I was doing. If you need anything just let me know. Again, I’m not sure I knew what I needed either, but I needed everything. I needed normal back. The way things use to be back. I needed my wife back. All those thoughts and emotions that were whirling around above my head had me in a bit of a daze at first. Then as I began to walk through this each day, God did what he does. His presence in this storm made everything begin to calm.

You can be doing ok, but you’re gonna grieve. You’re gonna go through some chaos, pain, and sorrow and there’s nothing anyone can say or do to stop it. You’re grieving, and you will for however long it takes for you to get to that point that you feel more comfortable and things begin to settle. It’s different for everyone. There is no template or blueprint guide that has the “correct” way to grieve. I read a lot, Bible study, I like praying alone and loud at times and having great conversation with God, talk with your kids or family, resting when needed, eat good food, sleep plenty (I struggle with that), exercise or walk around, a group counsel can help, have conversation with those who want to listen to you share your thoughts. It’s all been working and helped me a great deal.

If you hold it in and act like everything is normal and just carry on like nothing happened or like it’s not affecting you, I think you’re just delaying your grief and pain till another day. Lean in and embrace that grief….pour into it.

After a good conversation with God one evening, wiping my tears, I walked around the bedroom looking at my wife’s sewing things still here that I have yet to resolve what to do. I looked into one of the small containers and found a pair of gloves. See that’s how grief hits you. Just like that, I picked them up and put them on my hands. and wept. Then smiled. I’m starting to laugh and cry at the same time these days. They were used in sewing when she sprayed adhesive on some quilting fabric.

On another day I was walking barefoot and now it’s gotten colder without socks, and my toes were getting cold and I look over and see two pair of her house shoes I had put aside. Well guess what? I slipped on a pair and just smiled and thought about how we always got her a pair of these Dearfoams every Christmas, and she was always surprised. My toes got warm. Isn’t that crazy?…naaa. What’s crazy is a Christmas cactus that’s blooming only for the second time in 6 years. That’s another story.

In my loss I grieve because I lost what will never come back and it hurts worse than anything I have ever experienced. It settles just like “they” say and just like a storm after is passes. The dust settles. It has for me. I still grieve. Most days I am doing really great and I have fewer days that are lousy. I thank God for my kids, the good days, and Katie that’s here and in my life. We make a great team! Mary would love how this household is working. She truly would…