I’m writing on this Christmas Eve with several emotions starting to climb into my head. It’s about 8:30 pm now with coffee brewing while a young lady in the next room will eventually go to sleep so Santa can set a surprise under the tree. I’ve had a really good day considering the one person I’m missing is greatly missed right now. She wasn’t here today for our annual Christmas eve gathering. It was gonna be a little simpler, but with family, biscuits, and bacon, plans can change. I’m glad they did. It was a visit with love and laughter in the mix and there was both. The greatest of these was love. The most excellent way, overriding the food. What Katie and I had cooked yesterday and today is not what we would usually do each year, and that’s ok. It’s different now, very-much. The food trays weren’t piled as high, or even with the usual items as we did each year, or even last year as far as that goes because cancer was getting in the way and had slowed things down, so the menu was much slimmer. It’s so much different. On this first Christmas Eve without Mary, family is what was the most important today. Not the menu. Everyone that walked in the door today was greeted with a hug and a smile, and left the same way. Just like Jesus would have done.

Later, Katie and I watched our detective Conan movie. I ate pecan pie, chocolate pretzel, and gingerbread. Yep, sure did. After the movie, it was getting dark out, which was a que to open a few gifts. Before she opened any gifts, we read from the book of Luke 2: 4-14. After gifts, she was ready to get involved in some of her computer adventures…and she did.

That brings me back here in front of my laptop screen. I got here because I needed this. If you’re grieving, you’ll find it healthy to write down your thoughts on paper or computer. Please consider a griefshare group too. Like I was saying, I needed this. I had walked around this quiet house remembering the past. Those memories. I looked at the Christmas tree today at the Katie’s ornament with Mary’s fingerprint on it. I remembered last year Mary sitting in the living room floor making small gift bags filled with chocolates and peppermints. I looked at the recliner where she once sat. I had placed a christmas hat on the top of it, and I pictured her wearing it in Christmases past. I the saw a tissue box on the side table and recalled how she loved her tissue. Also, we had put out a few of the Christmas villages she always collected. One was the first one she ever collected, and the last one she collected was from last year, 2022. Then I glanced at the tv stand which would normally be filled with that village, but wasn’t this year. That too, is ok.

So much is different and challenging in certain moments. I refuse to try and stop the emotions as they come. I will allow them to just sweep over me and engulf me because I know that is where I find healing. It is so different now than it was in the beginning though. My grief is so much softer, but still stings at times. Not sure how to describe it, but it’s easier now. Maybe it’s like spiritual growth where you allow the Holy Spirit to flow over you and fill you with comfort that is indescribable at times. I know that some days are much harder than others in the beginning, but after a while, you find it becomes easier and the cloud starts to thin like a fog that’s lifting when the sun breaks through. See, even your friendship with the Saviour grows as you consistently dig into His written Word, finding the best ways to move forward. You find your freedom from this world of pain and find His grace which offers salvation and then you step into obedience. I don’t fight grief. I surrender to it and allow it to change me into something that just maybe God has instore for me. I surrender to Him and allow Him to mould me. Grief may hang around me, but I am assured that my God will too. He is the one I put my faith and Hope in. God Bless and HOPE on this Christmas Eve.