Does it ever stop? Slowing down maybe. Peaks and Valleys. I thought by now it would be easing up and I could pound my chest in my manly form and proclaim victory. But guess what. It hurts the same. The worst thing I could’ve done the other night was pull out the old “unicorn chest” of HER old memories. It was on the bottom of a stack of 5-6 boxes of memories and stuff. When I got to it, it was fine. It was the other more recent boxes of memories that Mary and I shared that caused the ache. Then, on top of that, I came across some of her old shoes, yard shoes, the ones she would wear to paint in or help me in the shop or to dig in the dirt. PLus a few pair of other older shoes. I had already donated her almost new shoes. That didn’t make it any easier. I had seen those before and left em. This time I wrapped em in a bag and let em go… NOTE TO SELF: 8:00 PM was not the time to be opening a can of worms and dealing with memories.

Church. I’m having a hard time at church. Feeling church. I had already pulled back from some things I use to be involved in around the time Mary’s health was declining. She had to stop running the children’s ministry, and now I just don’t feel as connected as I did before then. Always a good message. I mean everybody’s great and friendly. How am I doing? Good to see me. There’s a couple that speak to Katie sometimes. I’m having difficulty in worship there, and I understand that it’s partially my mind set. I’ve read where other grievers have felt like they didn’t connect, or it was hard to get “back in the groove” once they lost a spouse. I do have a good friend coming by once a week for some bible study and encouragement. I have gone as far as church searching. I’m not sure why. Katie says she likes where she is. She’s right. She would have to start over with everything. Her touch defensiveness and aspergers in general would have to be understood by most church members that like to touch. Although, change would do her good for some activity or class involvement, if we could find a fit, and help get her off her device at church some. Just the challenge for us both could be something else on our plates. We’ll see.

The silence though. That hurts my ears. Like right now. I’m sitting at my desk and it’s 9:00 pm. Katie is in her room drawing. You know that sound of silence that rings in your ears and sounds like summertime crickets? That’s what I hear, except for the occasional on and off of the heating system and the refrigerator. Sometimes Katie will peak in here to say hello and get her water or a snack. We spent two hours of watching anime this afternoon. Detective Conan. I try to discipline myself from too much facebook. Oh, I will post, and try to keep up, but not get on there for long times. I will talk to Mary like she’s in the room. Another voice would be nice. It’s that silence that just echos…

Keeping it real. It’s really hard having the desire to move forward, looking out the window, and seeing all it has to offer, while the heartache of loss and memories that have filled my mind, steadily reminds me of a reality. This is where the bus stopped. No more trains. No flights. I mean, I want the chance to pick up the pieces and live a life again. It would be nice to kinda pick up where you left off. Maybe I’m dreaming too much. I doubt if it will even be attainable now. That adds to more sadness while wanting to be positive. I use to say that I’ll just ride this horse and see where it takes me. That’s what I’m doing now I guess. I’m not sure of what the future holds, God does. I hope it’s brighter than I thought and Katie and I will need sunglasses. Until then, I guess she and I will just keep plugging along, keeping the faith and trusting in God. I know he walks with us, and has a plan. Patience is not one of my strong suits. However, I wear it better now than I did in my youth. There is always hope.