Looking into what use to be my wife’s closet, I see the shirts that represent memories. I wish I could take each one out and hear the stories they could tell, the places they’ve been, the good they’ve seen, and the hardships they’ve endured. I can still see her just standing there, hands on her hips, and trying to decide what she’s gonna wear that day. That’s just one of the things that I miss. We all take so much for granted.

Early on, when Mary first died, I found myself going to her closet often, just reaching out to hold as many shirts in my arms as I possibly could, and burying my face in them, so I could smell that fresh scent of her memory. Not as often now. Now, I plan to donate to a ministry she would be pleased with. Then, I will address the empty closet. We can rationalize anything, but it doesn’t remove pain. Pain has to ease up on its own time frame.

The bed we shared is the same. Leading up to the Thanksging day was harder than I had anticipated. The day itself, was easier. The two days prior, I became emotional several times a day and I wasn’t sure why. Even making a grocery list for thanksgiving dinner was emotional. I decided that I was just simply missing her-bad. One of those nights as I lay in bed praying and crying, and talking to Mary, even though she can’t hear me, I pulled her pillow toward me. I placed the pillow on its side so it would feel like her laying on her side. I wrapped my arm around it just like I would her, and raised it up as if I was holding her hand in mine in the center of her chest. It felt good. It felt comforting. It felt real for a moment or two.

Some days I feel stuck, like I’m not making any progress moving forward. Then I think, what is that even supposed to look like. Operating in daily routines without getting sucked into a heartache? Maybe, I’m not sure exactly, but just maybe, that heart won’t hurt as bad, and this up and down routine will smooth out. Looking at that empty chair won’t spur emotions. I mean it’s not unbearable times right now, but I’m seeing how Holidays are indeed harder and more difficult to work through.

Pretty soon all this will settle. Even the holidays, and all the firsts. I can see this like our seasons. Spring, summer, fall, and winter. In each one of those, as we.leave and enter the other season, there is that up and down and back and forth in temperature and weather changes. As summer cooled down, we thought for sure hot days were over. Nope, not yet. It will go on and on like that as temperatures slowing drop until we are finally in Autumn. It’s the same way as we start moving into that cold winter too.

It’s the same way moving in and out of grief too it seems. Slowly, the temperatures will change, and we adjust until we are use to it. When that happens, we can move forward with greater ease. For some, the winter seasons may be longer, but Spring will arrive. God will not leave us nor forsake us. He is our strength through all storms of life. We have to cling to him when the weather gets rough and still when the sun shines warm on our faces.

There is a song titled The Morning After. I believe it was the theme song to a movie titled, The Poseidon Adventure. It’s about a cruise ship that tuned upside down with a few left trying to escape and all the trials and hardships they endured while making they’re way to the bottom, which turns out, to become the top for their rescue. They remained faithful, finally found sunlight, fresh air, helping hands, and were rescued. Normal life will return. There is hope.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Psalm 30:5